Failing As A Mom.

I contemplated posting this. 

Nobody wants to feel like a failure, never mind blog about it.... but I decided to go ahead and click that "publish" button. I figure, if there's a mom out there feeling the way I was feeling, I want her to know that she is not alone... because I know that if I knew someone was going through the same thing, I would, selfishly, feel better. 

Today, I feel defeated. I feel inadequate. I feel lonely.

It seems like once I feel I might finally have a handle on this parenthood thing, I end up having a night like tonight. A night where my baby cries screams his face off for hours & there's nothing I can do to console him. Bouncing, rocking, shhh-ing, patting/rubbing his back, white noise, nursing, soother, & crying it out just weren't working for him. The look on his face makes me feel so bad. I hate that I cant make him feel better. When that little tear started to leak out of his eye, that's when I lost it. 

I cried so hard. 

I held my baby close to my chest & we cried together. 

In those moments, I feel so many emotions. I feel angry that he won't stop crying and that I'm the only one in his world that is there to console him. Then I instantly feel guilty and awful for ever feeling anger towards him and his feelings. Then I start to feel insufficient as a mother. I feel like he deserves so much better then what I'm able to offer. All I can think is, a good mom should be able to comfort her baby in his time of need. I should be able to help him with what's making him cry. He shouldn't be crying and screaming for 3 hours. 

Why can't I help him? Why is he so upset? So many questions run through my head. Why don't I live closer to my family? Why am I choosing to be so far away? I'd give anything to have someone come over and just hold him for a few minutes while I sit in the shower or go for a walk to clear my head

Then he stops screaming. 

His cries are slowing down & his breathing is becoming more calm and steady. 

His eyes are shutting.

He falls asleep.

It's not until that moment that I gain perspective. 

He is my baby & he needs me. He needs me to hold him when he's upset because I'm all he knows. I may not be able to "fix" him, but I can be there for him. I can hold him close to my heart and kiss his head and tell him he's okay. 

The crying doesn't last forever. He's still my happy, cute, little baby. 

He doesn't hate me & I'm not failing. 

I'm doing the best I can.

I am enough.

I love this little boy with my entire being. 

It's so hard sometimes to know what to do. 

But like they say, parenting doesn't come with a manual. 

We're all just kinda wingin' it, right?

Has this ever happened to you? What have you done in a situation like this? 

What I Learned About Pregnancy

Now that I'm 1 month postpartum, I thought I would do a little post on what I learned about pregnancy. This is obviously just in regards to my own pregnancy, as we all know, each pregnancy is different in their own way. These are just my thoughts and opinions!

17 weeks

1. Pregnancy waddle is real. It's crazy how much your hips want to be ahead of the rest of your body when you're standing, or walking. Plus it doesn't help that it feels like there's a head in-between your legs!

2. Cravings are also real. Kit Kat Chunky's, Creme Eggs, & Cherry Sours have never held such a special place in my heart. 

18 weeks

3. It's really hard not to compare yourself to other fellow preggos.. but try your best not to and remember that this is your own personal, unique journey!

4. You may get the weirdest, most inconvenient pregnancy symptoms, such as carpal tunnel, jumpy legs or blurred vision... & you might have them all at once.

20 weeks

5. You may feel extra confident with your baby belly & take a million photos of it.

6. Climbing stairs and hills gets real challenging in the later months. 

24 weeks

7. You may pee yourself a little while brushing your teeth/tongue due to sensitive gag reflex. 

8. You may change up your wardrobe to sports bras and leggings once things stop fitting.

26 weeks

9. The first trimester is brutal. If you're one of the special ones who didn't get sick, consider yourself lucky. I was nauseas and threw up everyday for 14 weeks... but then it was like a light switch & I wanted to eat everything!

10. The first time you feel the baby move, is amazing... but the first time I saw my boyfriend feel the baby move, was so emotional.

29 weeks

11. You're really not as "big" as you think you are. I've been looking back through my belly photos, and I really wasn't as huge as I or anyone else thought I was!

12. The gender ultrasound is so fun! We knew we wanted to find out what we were having right away.. Having the ultrasound tech show us his "parts" was so emotional! All I could say was "it's a boy!!!" & then tears started falling. It was the first time I cried at an appointment.

34 weeks

13. You may think you're in the clear for stretch marks, but truth is, you probably just can't see them on that part of your body. You'll see the reality of it once the baby is out. 

14. Emotions change on a dime.

38 weeks

15. It's not as hot as you think it is. Careful not to freeze your boyfriend by opening windows and turning off the heat in the car, during the winter months. 

16. Pregnancy is really not that glamorous at times.... Consider it preparation for the also not so glam labour & birth. 

38 weeks

 17. You will miss your belly after you give birth.

18. You never really get used to your belly sticking out so far. I grazed mine on doors, walls, and the fridge countless times. 

40 weeks

19. Epsom salts & lavender bubble bath is a treat for the tired, aching body.

20. 9 [10] months of pregnancy doesn't prepare you for the overwhelming feeling of love when you see your baby for the first time.

40 weeks & 5 days

"Just Wait"

Well I should probably start by saying, I'm not sure which direction this is going to go. Whether its going to be a full out rant, or if it's going to have some kind of positive feel. I do know, however, some people will totally understand me, & some people may take offence. Regardless, these are 100% my thoughts and opinions, & you 100% do not have to agree with them :)

Being almost 32 weeks into my pregnancy with some obvious time to go still, I can say that I've had more thoughts and opinions thrown at me whether I asked for them or not. Don't get me wrong, theres been a lot of advice that I do really appreciate. I appreciate the honesty and the good intention behind it. What I'm starting to not appreciate, is all the negative behind everything. Many people seem to have a negative opinion regarding my pregnancy, my labour & birth, my newborn, and so on. 

When I say negative, I mean the horror stories people like to basically scare me with. People using my very minimal complaints against me, telling me its only going to get worse. For example, sleeping. The almighty 's word'.Let's just get one thing straight here. Some babies sleep all night. Some babies don't. Some babies are a happy medium. You do not know what my baby is going to do. You do not know how much sleep I need to function. 

I've only had a handful of good nights rest since I entered my second trimester. Blame it on pregnancy insomnia, blame it on my mine and my boyfriends conflicting sleep schedules, or blame it on my belly being in my way or having to pee 20 times a night. Regardless, I haven't been sleeping for many months. I'm quite aware of what "no sleep" means. On the positive side, I would enjoy the fact that while I was laying in bed wide awake, feeling my baby move around inside my belly, gave me some joy & excitement for whats to come. Hearing "it won't be as nice when baby is here and on the same schedule", or "just wait until the baby is here, you'll never sleep", or "it won't be as easy when you have to wake up to a crying baby" squashes any kind of positive outlook I have on my non sleeping issue. Further more, can someone please tell me why I'm going to be so upset at the fact that my baby is going to wake me up in the middle of the night? He's a little boy who's going to need me! He's going to need his mommy for food, a diaper change, or cuddles & whatever else! Also, who's to say I'm not going to completely enjoy being this little persons security blanket? I'd like to think I'm pretty smart in knowing that I may or may not sleep for a very long time when he's born & I'm okay with that. It helps that I have an amazing boyfriend who is so excited to be a dad, that he is more then wiling to also get up, all hours of the night to help, or to take care of the house while I sleep or comfort our son. Together, were going to get through any sleeping situation were dealt. 

There are a few people who have said to me how rewarding it is to wake up to your crying baby & being able to soothe him back to sleep. How amazing it is to know what your baby needs or wants & to be able to give it to him. How you feel like a frikkin superhero when you get your crying baby to stop crying and start cooing. To those people, thank you from the bottom of my heart!

The next thing that people have liked to be vocal about, is the size of my belly. I'm just going to touch on this one a little bit, since apparently the topic of sleep set me on a rant. My belly is still a part of my body. It is housing a growing human. When you tell a pregnant woman how "huge" she is, she very rarely sees it as a compliment. The further she gets in her pregnancy, hearing she's "so big" is like kicking her ego with cleats on. We are very aware that some of you are commenting on the size of the baby growing inside [most of the time], but when you're actually that big and uncomfortable, it ceases to be any kind of compliment & I for one, would appreciate being told something a little nicer & not how I'm "only going to get bigger". Here are some examples of what some wonderful people have said to me.

"You look great!"

"Pregnancy suits you!"

"Wow, you don't look 7 months pregnant.. I would have guessed 4 months tops"

"You have such a glow!"

You never know what a pregnant, emotional, hormonal mom to be is going through or has been going through. Every single pregnancy is different.... because every woman and baby are different. Someone at 6 months might look like someone else at 8 months and vice versa & thats ok! No two bellies are the same & we shouldn't be comparing them to each other. "You're so big" stops being a compliment at a very young age. There are 38470956756 other ways to compliment & not comment on a pregnant woman's growing belly. I will say, having a boyfriend or husband who reassures you daily about how beautiful you are, is a HUGE help. It almost makes all those little remarks just disappear. It's quite nice to hear "you're so beautiful" & "you have such a gorgeous belly" daily, & actually believe it!

Another thing people have been giving their opinions on, is my birth plan. I for one, am very impressed with women who can do a completely natural, vaginal birth. No induction, no epidurals, no interventions of any sort. I've only seen one birth, & let me tell you.. it sure doesn't look like a walk in the park. It's tough work bringing a human into this world! That being said, I'm trying to be very open minded as to how my birth is going to go. I know there are a million and one things that can happen while you're in labour & your plans can change in an instant. When people ask about my birth, and I say I'm going to try going all natural, the opinions start flowing. "Well you know, you could end up having a c-section", "just get the epidural", "you'll be singing a different tune when the time comes".
On a personal level, it freaks me out not knowing whats going on with my body. If I can't feel myself push because of an epidural, I'm not going to like that. If I take medication that makes me & my baby dozy and out of it, I'm not going to like that. If I get tired & a doctor takes advantage of that fact & offers a c-section to speed things up, I'm not going to like that. That being said, I'm going to do whats best for me and my baby when the time comes. Who knows how it's going to go. I have my opinions, thoughts and values. I have a semi-plan, and if all goes the way I would like it to, awesome!!! If not, oh well, at least I'll know I made choices that I was comfortable with, that got my baby here safely & thats whats important here. 

A big thing that has bugged me in general since I announced my pregnancy, is how it seems like people are literally trying to scare me. This is my first pregnancy. My first baby. Everything from 32 weeks ago until now, has been foreign and new to me. I've been doing my absolute best to not complain & to enjoy every single minute of it because it's been going by SO fast. Having people say "just you wait", "you'll see", "you're going to find out" in a negative way, makes a woman think she's going to be a walking zombie who doesn't like her baby! I know some people were probably just trying to have a conversation, but the truth is, you gotta think before you say something like that. The way your opinions are worded is a huge factor. A new mom to be is getting a million different views about a million different things all the time. I don't think saying negative things & implementing a fear that wasn't there before, is being very supportive and encouraging. 

 Were going to parent our son differently then you did, because our parenting style is going to adapt to our child's needs. Our son is going to be different then your son or daughter. Just like how my pregnancy is different from yours & so forth.
I didn't sign up for motherhood expecting everything to be perfect & go exactly the way I want it to. I, along with his father, are going to cater to this little baby boy's every need because he needs us! We are his parents & he his our baby. We are going to do everything in our power to keep him happy and healthy.
To those people who have given advice & opinions, I know you have just been trying to be helpful & sharing your experience with me. I really do appreciate hearing your stories! Thank you! I truly am thankful for everyone's kind words, encouragement, personal stories & compliments. It makes a world a difference & I really appreciate it. I hope we can all remember to be this way when it comes to someone else and their personal journey! Spread more positive vibes, happy thoughts, and sincere joy & understanding. 

a thought..

I've been so excited, proud, and amazed with my pregnancy. I wake up everyday and put my hand on my belly. I look forward to reading about what it's up to in there; what systems are in place, what body parts are growing, how much 'he' weighs and how long 'he's' getting. I love seeing ultrasounds, and hearing the heartbeat, because even though I see my belly growing, and I know he's okay in there, as a new mom it's still nerve wracking waiting for that next appointment! I feel so protective of him already, and he's still in my belly. 

That being said, I'm having a constant battle in my head regarding people or "friends" who haven't acknowledged my pregnancy. I keep trying to tell myself not to think about it and not to give it any thought. The couple friends I have left - who have been the best supporters ever! - keep telling me that I don't need any negativity in my life right now, and to just forget about them. I really wish I could. Theres a huge part of me that feels super offended and upset that there are a select few who have completely disregarded my baby. This is an innocent little being who has no say in the matter. For people who were once VERY close to me in my life, there are a lot of them who don't care about this baby.... Which is fine I guess... but what bothers me is that they still keep me on social media.

 Why? Just "unfriend", "unfollow", "un-everything" me. If there is something that I've done to these people to deserve this lack of acknowledgement for such an important time in my life, then fine... I deserve this. Why just hang out on my social media then? I of course have been pondering the thought of "deleting" these people from my life. I have done this many times before to people who just didn't belong in my life anymore... but these certain few, it just breaks my heart to know that they think so low of me and my unborn child. Theres a part of me that still hopes to get even a tiny bit of acknowledgement, even though I know it's not coming. 

This is a huge part of my life. This is my baby! I want my life to be full of people who care about me and support me and want nothing but the best. I don't need constant attention, an ego boost, or anything like that. A simple "like" would have sufficed. One little "congrats". I didn't need a big hoo-rah.. or a long speech... just something quick, simple, and easy. It's hard to not take everything personal lately with these hormones running amuck, but I think this classifies as personal. 

Since these people are still on my social media - Facebook in particular - I feel like I'm flooding their news feed with photos of my belly & they're just sitting on the other side making negative comments and snide remarks about it. Or they could just be ignoring it all completely, which hurts just as much, if not more. I feel as though if I remove these people [& to be honest, there's too many individuals who I think feel this way] it'll cause more "drama" or "gossip". 

In the end, it just saddens me that not everyone is excited and happy for this little baby to be in the works. A new life is such a miracle. When I know someone who announces a pregnancy, I'm nothing but thrilled for them and 99% of the time I'll throw a quick "Congrats!" out there and "like" a few maternity/pregnancy photos. It just really hurts that I watch these certain people comment and "like" other things, and still completely disregard my life. 

To each their own I guess. I shouldn't let something like this bug me so much! It's just hard to let this one go. 

One day I'll develop some kind of backbone and make a choice. 

Until then - trying to keep good vibes and positivity! 

Ohhh the Emotions!

I don't know what is is about today. All I want to do is curl up under the blankets and sleep, and cry a little. My emotions gotta get themselves in check, and soon. For some reason, I feel like I'm comparing myself to other pregnant women. My confidence feels like it's at an all time low. I'm stuck in a slump. It doesn't help that I'm miles and miles away from my family and the couple friends I have left. Feeling a little lonely being way from everything I'm familiar and comfortable with. 

I never used to compare myself to others, and if I did, it didn't really matter because I had such high confidence that I just forgot about whatever it was that I was jealous of. Now, good grief, I sit and ponder on things that I really should just get over. I found myself completely jealous of a friend of mine today, when I had seen that she has the most adorable pregnancy announcement, the cutest little baby journal, having the energy to bake a pie, and getting beautiful photos taken of her. Then here I am, in my sweat pants and hoodie, which have become the regular attire these days, sitting in bed, watching Criminal Minds all day! I even tried to knit a baby blanket, but I literally have only gotten a few rows done because my hands keep cramping up! I wish I could be that cute pregnant lady who cooks, cleans, does crafts, and looks amazing all the time. Holy crap, am I ever so far away from that fantasy! I'm achy, tired, still a little nauseas, and all I can think about is "why didn't I think of that" or "why am I not doing that". It's a crazy mentality I tell ya! I'm so over it. 

Seriously, emotions, control yourself, because I cannot.

Another thing I've been wallowing in lately, is how big my belly is! For 17 weeks, I feel huge. At first I was so excited about showing and how big my baby was getting, but now I see girls who are 10-20 weeks further along then I am, and now I feel like a whale! I'm uncomfortable, pants don't fit, joints are sore, and I can feel my belly stretching. My boyfriend is amazing at trying to keep my body confidence up, but today has been a hard one. 

This is not to say I haven't enjoyed every single minute of my pregnancy. Today was just a rough day in the life of Kristen & this is a good venting source for me. I'm completely thankful for this baby and love that little bean with all of my heart. I'm thankful for this stretching belly because I know it means my baby is growing nice and big. It's just taking an emotional toll on me today. I was emotionally and physically drained today. 

I was looking around at pregnancy blogs to follow. I found this entry on a blog called "Snippits of Inspiration". I couldn't have found it at a better time. I made this photo with that entry and plan to make it my lap top background so I can see it and be reminded of it every day. I know I'll be back to my normal self in no time, I think I just needed a day to dabble around on the self pity train.

I'm going to go make a Kraft yellow box pizza for dinner, a tea, and a popsicle for dessert to make me feel better. No homemade dinner tonight, but that's okay with me and my boyfriend. Yellow box pizza is what this bebe wants for dinner tonight, so that's what he/she will get! 

I DID score 2 free Redbox codes today - that was a great perk to my day ;)