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17.6.15

Failing As A Mom.

I contemplated posting this. 
Nobody wants to feel like a failure, never mind blog about it.... but I decided to go ahead and click that "publish" button. I figure, if there's a mom out there feeling the way I was feeling, I want her to know that she is not alone... because I know that if I knew someone was going through the same thing, I would, selfishly, feel better. 

Today, I feel defeated. I feel inadequate. I feel lonely.
It seems like once I feel I might finally have a handle on this parenthood thing, I end up having a night like tonight. A night where my baby cries screams his face off for hours & there's nothing I can do to console him. Bouncing, rocking, shhh-ing, patting/rubbing his back, white noise, nursing, soother, & crying it out just weren't working for him. The look on his face makes me feel so bad. I hate that I cant make him feel better. When that little tear started to leak out of his eye, that's when I lost it. 
I cried so hard. 
I held my baby close to my chest & we cried together. 
In those moments, I feel so many emotions. I feel angry that he won't stop crying and that I'm the only one in his world that is there to console him. Then I instantly feel guilty and awful for ever feeling anger towards him and his feelings. Then I start to feel insufficient as a mother. I feel like he deserves so much better then what I'm able to offer. All I can think is, a good mom should be able to comfort her baby in his time of need. I should be able to help him with what's making him cry. He shouldn't be crying and screaming for 3 hours. 
Why can't I help him? Why is he so upset? So many questions run through my head. Why don't I live closer to my family? Why am I choosing to be so far away? I'd give anything to have someone come over and just hold him for a few minutes while I sit in the shower or go for a walk to clear my head
Then he stops screaming. 
His cries are slowing down & his breathing is becoming more calm and steady. 
His eyes are shutting.
He falls asleep.
It's not until that moment that I gain perspective. 
He is my baby & he needs me. He needs me to hold him when he's upset because I'm all he knows. I may not be able to "fix" him, but I can be there for him. I can hold him close to my heart and kiss his head and tell him he's okay. 
The crying doesn't last forever. He's still my happy, cute, little baby. 
He doesn't hate me & I'm not failing. 
I'm doing the best I can.
I am enough.
I love this little boy with my entire being. 
It's so hard sometimes to know what to do. 
But like they say, parenting doesn't come with a manual. 
We're all just kinda wingin' it, right?

Has this ever happened to you? What have you done in a situation like this?